a.gloomy.girlie (mytwistedpsyche) wrote,

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So...READY, SET, brainstew!

It's been about 2 weeks now and it's finally all hitting me. I did my usual thing and was strong whilst the crisis was new and now am irritable and cranky and sad. sad. sad. I'm trying to keep a good face on for my g-pa though.

I was thinking of getting a specific DT tattoo to symbolize the anytime, anywhere doors to the other worlds to help make me feel better. Draz had originally agreed to draw out a sketch for me and seemed jazzed to do so ("honored" he said), but then when I talked to him again about it it seemed like he wasn't into doing it at all and told me to scan the origin image, blow it up, and just use that; so there goes the extra layer of meaning since a tet-mate was going to put pen to paper for me for this permanent marking/cathartic ritual. *sigh* not sure why for the change of mind, but maybe he'll still come through for me? not sure why he sometimes shys from me still... I know he shys from everyone, but with me it seems like two different extremes and no in between. I'm happy things are going well for him in Bomb City, the job, the lady friend, and all the rest and he knows it. I would cause him no harm, ever. I don't want him to think I want to. That's Heath's theory... He won't talk to me because I'm chas and he's draz and he's got another life now. but so do I and I don't begrudge him that and am excited to hear a smile in his voice on occasion now... So why can't he draw my fucking tattoo?

School is getting a little out of hand ATM. I'm in two classes and in one I'm caught up and doing well--the other not so much. Not behind per se, just not as on top of it as I'd like to be. Need to work on a dossier for myself-- including a CV, pick a topic for a bibliographic presentation and do a powerpoint for it *(a bit more difficult than it sounds) and also a topic to write an extensive final paper on. I feel like tearing my hair out when I think of all this, but I'll make it work, I always do.

Heath is trying to help me through this trying time, but he also gets fed up with me and my 'psycho' shit. I think he's not used to anyone trying to lean on him for anything and/or expecting him to be a RESPONSIBLE man. He refuses to acknowledge that I'm a worrier by nature (READ: suffer from GENERALIZED anxiety disorder) so when one thing too many goes wrong I sort of fly into a million pieces and can't gather myself together enough to isolate a day and try and have fun without worrying, to make myself feel better. I just stew and stew and whine and worry until I fix the problem and/or I get it out of my system and/or things get better. He also doesn't get that one with dysthemia with major depressive episodes like me sometimes will just be in a REALLY bad mood with no real provocation-- that sometimes my brain chemistry goes a little haywire and therefore it seems like the world has all sharp edges out to draw blood. That things I could take in stride one day might seem like WWIII to me another day, just depending on my general disposition. Maybe I shouldn't take such offense at the 'crazy' label.. maybe that's truly what I am sometimes?

I know i shouldn't lash out at him so much, but it seems like he has little compassion and never reacts how i think one would any emotional depth would react when I try to talk to him about things that bother me; It always seems like he wants to detract from the importance of the subject at hand and shrugs off things that are killing me. so therefore I blow my stack and am rude and maybe even a little mean to him because I feel that by not taking seriously what is going on with me he is showing how little he cares about chas.land and the happenstance therein.

He even told me yesterday that he thinks I'm a bad person deep down and all the selfless, chas.things I do for people are not genuine because he says I'm really a mean, bitter person. I don't think I am, but I don't pull punches when I think I've been slighted by him.... and therefore he doesn't always get the happy.chas that others are so accustomed to. I mean, y'all have known me for YEARS through good and bad... by varying degrees. do I seem fake or disingenuous to anyone else? He says I give only to get... but if that's the case BOY have I gotten shafted over the years!

Are all males like this in domestic situations? Or am I the one in the wrong here? I think i should read that Mars/Venus book or something... *sigh* The bitch of it being my friends are nearly all boys who love me and think I'm awesome, so not sure what the difference is here. As I hold him to no higher standard than I do anyone else in chas.land.

I'm confused.
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